<text>"I don't feel good." (last words of Luther Burbank)"All right then, I'll say it: Dante makes me sick." (last words of playwright Lope Vega when told the end was very near)"Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something." (last words of Pancho Villa)"Go away. I'm all right." (last words of H. G. Wells) "They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist . . . " (Gen. John Sedgewick as he observed the Civil War battle of Spotsylvania)"If this is dying, I don't think much of it." (attributed to Lytton Strachey)"The farce is finished. I go to seek a vast perhaps." (Francois Rabelais)"I have been dying for twenty years. Now I am going to live." (James Burns' last words)"Waiting are they, waiting are they? Well, let 'em wait!" (Ethan Allen, on being told that the angels were waiting for him)"I got them before they could get me." (Vachel Lindsay, after drinking Lysol)"Hurrah, boys, we've got them! We'll finish them up and then go home to our station." (Gen. George A. Custer, upon first sighting and Indian encampment in the Valley of the Little Big Horn, June 25, 1876)"I am about to--or I am going to--die. Either expression is used." (Dominique Boulhours, 17th century French grammarian) Oliver Goldsmith, on being asked by his doctor whether his mind was at ease, replied, "No, it is not." "Are you sure it's safe?" (William Palmer, British mass murderer, upon stepping onto the gallows trap)"I thought dying was harder." (King Louis IV)"A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. Voltaire said, "This is no time to make new enemies." (anonymous) "Put out the light." (Theodore Roosevelt) "I want that fifty bucks you owe me and I want it now." (Carl 'Alfalfa' Switzer, child star of 'Our Gang' films, who ended his life as a drunk, killed by another drunk in an alley)"Famous last words: (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- (4) We won't need reservations. (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. (7) They'd never be stupid enough to make him a manager." (anonymous)"Naturally, God will forgive me. That's His business." (Heinrich Heine's last words)"I love the rain. I want the feeling of it on my face." (Katherine Mansfield's last words)</text>
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<text><span class="style1"> "The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run." (John Barrymore)"Women are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one." (W. C. Fields) "Neither earth nor ocean produces a creature as savage and monstrous as woman." (Euripides c. 426 B.C.)"A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally." (Lillian Day)"Women have two weapons--cosmetics and tears." (Napoleon I)"It can be great fun to have an affair with a bitch." (Louis Auchincloss)"Of all the animals, cats, flies and women take the longest time in dressing." (Charles Nodier)"There are two types of women: those who have just had a baby, and those who have just seen a lovely dress in the window." (unknown)"A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure." (Karl Kraus)"Demons who make us enter Hell through the door of Paradise." (anonymous)"The great and almost only comfort about being a woman is that one can always pretend to be more stupid than one is and no one is surprised." (Freya Stark)"In Italy a woman can have a face like a train wreck if she's blonde." (unknown)"She was a blonde, a blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window." (Raymond Chandler)"Th' woman that tries t' keep up with th' procession don't see near as much as her husband who stands on th' curb." (Kin Hubbard) "Thou goest to women? Forget not thy whip!" (Friedrich Nietzsche)"I hate women because they always know where things are." (James Thurber)</span><span class="style5">Gracie Allen:</span><span class="style1"> "You can't give up, Blanche. Women don't do that. Look at Betsy Ross, Martha Washington--they didn't give up. Look at Nina Jones."</span><span class="style5">Blanche Morton:</span><span class="style1"> "Nina Jones?"</span><span class="style5">Gracie:</span><span class="style1"> "I never heard of her either, because she gave up." (</span><span class="style4">The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show</span><span class="style1">)"Sir, nature has given woman so much power that the law cannot afford to give her more." (Samuel Johnson) "I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother." (W. C. Fields)"Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden." (Erma Bombeck)"Blondes have more fun because they're easier to find in the dark." (unknown)"Never argue with a woman who is tired--or rested." (Richard Burton) </span><span class="style5">Dwayne Shneider:</span><span class="style1"> "A woman is like a bathtub full of water-- once you get it hot, it doesn't cool off too fast."</span><span class="style5">Barbara Cooper:</span><span class="style1"> "And once it does, it has a ring." (</span><span class="style4">One Day at a Time</span><span class="style1"> TV series)"Woman would be more charming if one could fall into her arms without falling into her clutches." (Ambrose Bierce) "Better than old beef is tender veal; I want no woman thirty years of age." (Geoffrey Chaucer, </span><span class="style5">The Canterbury Tales</span><span class="style1"> , c. 1386) "I remembered Cliff Wainwright saying once that women are like the Russians--if you did exactly what they wanted all the time you were being realistic and constructive and promoting the cause of peace. If you ever stood up to them you were resorting to cold-war tactics and pursuing imperialistic designs and interfering in their internal affairs. And by the way of course peace was more peaceful, but if you went on promoting its cause long enough you ended up Finlandized at best." (Kingsley Amis, 1984)"Every woman is wrong until she cries, and then she is right, instantly." (Haliburton)"She has two complexions: A.M. and P.M." (Ring Lardner)"Dames lie about everything--just for practice." (Raymond Chandler, </span><span class="style5">Farewell My Lovely</span><span class="style1">)"A woman alone was able to wreck paradise." (Arab saying)"Women are like socks: you have to change them regularly." (anonymous)"There are two kinds of women--goddesses and doormats." (Pablo Picasso)"Girls are always running through my mind. They wouldn't dare walk." (Andy Gibb)"Women run to extremes. They are either better or worse than men." (La Bruyere)"Women as a sex are Sphinxes without secrets." (Oscar WIlde)"Biologically and tempermentally . . . women were made to be concerned first and foremost with child care, husband care, and home care." (Dr. Benjamin Spock, </span><span class="style5">Berliner Tageblatt</span><span class="style1">, July 12, 1914)"When women kiss it always reminds me of prize fighters shaking hands." (H. L. Mencken, 1920)"Women and elephants never forget an injury." (H. H. Munro, </span><span class="style5">Reginald</span><span class="style1">, 1904)"When a woman becomes a scholar there is usually something wrong with her sexual organs." (Friedrich Nietzsche,1888)"Between a woman's Yes and NoThere is not room for a pin to go." (Cervantes, </span><span class="style5">Don Quixote</span><span class="style1">)"Her voice was so husky she could have pulled a dog sled." (heard by Wes Wright)"All are good maids, but whence come the bad wives?" (unknown)"A ship is sooner rigged than a gentlewoman made ready." (Philip Stubbes, </span><span class="style5">The Anatomie of Abuses</span><span class="style1">)"There is in every true woman's heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity." (Washington Irving)"The term 'lady' is most often used to describe someone you wouldn't want to talk to for even five minutes." (Fran Lebowitz) "I like young girls. Their stories are shorter." (Tom McGuane)"Beautiful women come to learn most grief." (Japanese saying)"I do not believe in using women in combat, because females are too fierce." (Margaret Meade)"A woman's tongue is her sword and she never lets it rust." (unknown) "City women is spoiled rotten. All they think about is smearin' themselves with beauty grease. Fancy smellin' renderin's. Why if you was to hug one of 'em, she'd squirt out of your arms like a prune pit!" (Granny, </span><span class="style4">The Beverly Hillbillies</span><span class="style1">)"If you don't think women are explosive, try dropping one." (anonymous)"Women dress alike all over the world: they dress to be annoying to other women." (Elsa Schiaparelli)"Stay away from girls who cry a lot or who look like they get pregnant easily or have careers." (P. J. O'Rourke)"She is the kind of girl who will not go anywhere without her mother. And her mother will go anywhere." (John Barrymore, about his ex-wife Elaine)"She was full of energy, like a blond cobra listening to music." (Ross Macdonald)"God, why didn't you make women first--when you were fresh?" (Yves Montand)"A woman's past is either scandalously indecent or shamefully uninteresting." (anonymous)"If a woman hasn't got a tiny streak of a harlot in her, she's a dry stick as a rule." (D. H. Lawrence)"Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian." (Fran Lebowitz, </span><span class="style5">Metropolitan Life</span><span class="style1">, 1978)"I don't want to meet Miss Right. I just want to meet Miss RIGHT NOW!" (Robin Williams)</span></text>
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<text><span class="style1">"Tell the truth and run." (Yugoslavian proverb)"Truth is tough." (O.W. Holmes)"Always tell the truth. It's the world's best lie." (Uncle Martin, </span><span class="style4">My Favorite Martian </span><span class="style1"> TV series)"There is nothing so strong or safe in an emergency of life as the simple truth." (Charles Dickens)"What the imagination seizes as beauty must be truth." (John Keats, letter to Benjamin Bailey, 1817) "I never know how much of what I say is true." (Bette Midler)"Truth is polygonal. I never feel sure that I have got it until I have contradicted myself five or six times." (John Ruskin)"The truth changes." (Kelly Robinson, </span><span class="style4">I Spy </span><span class="style1">tv series) "A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it." (Oscar Wilde)"I always believe in telling the truth--once you get caught." (Mr. Ed)"Truth is always exciting. Speak it, then. Life is dull without it." (Pearl Buck)"Truth is a river that is always splitting up into arms that reunite. Islanded between the arms, the inhabitants argue for a lifetime as to which is the main river." (Cyril Connolly)"Truth travels slowly; it will reach even you in time." (Benjamin Disraeli to a heckler) "I wish you wouldn't tell me the truth when I least expect it." (Wilbur Post, </span><span class="style4">Mr. Ed </span><span class="style1">tv series)"If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out." (Oscar Wilde, 1894)"Truth is stranger than fiction because fiction has to make sense." (Mark Twain)"The truth is the only thing worth having, and, in a civilized life like ours, where so many risks are removed, facing it is almost the only courageous thing left to do." (E.V. Lucas)"The truth is what it is; what should be is a dirty lie." (Lenny Bruce)"Nobody tells the truth when there's something they must have." (Elizabeth Bowen) "Craft must have clothes, but truth loves to go naked." (Thomas Fuller)"Truth is error burned up." (Norman O. Brown)"Yet it moves." (Galileo, referring to the Earth after his forced recantation of his belief in the Copernican system, 1632)"Sometimes the truth can be so unnecessary." (Remington Steele, </span><span class="style4">Remington Steele</span><span class="style1"> TV series)"What is true by moonlight is not always true by sunlight." (Joubert)"Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)"He who tells the truth must have one foot in the stirrup." (Armenian proverb) </span></text>
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<text><span class="style1">"Extraordinary how potent cheap music is." (Noel Coward, </span><span class="style5">Private Lives</span><span class="style1">, 1930) "I have played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless bastard!" (Peter Ilyich Tchaikovsky on Johannes Brahms)"The oboe is an ill wind that nobody blows good." (anonymous)"Good music isn't nearly as bad as it sounds." (Harry Zelzer)"Jazz is playin' from the heart; you don't lie." (William Geary 'Bunk' Johnson)"It's like an act of murder; you play with intent to commit something." (Duke Ellington on jazz)"Music is the solid of geometry." (Paul Claudel) "Men profess to be lovers of good music, but for the most part they give no evidence in their opinions and lives that they have heard it." (Thoreau)"On How To Play--* Accented notes: Like one shoe fits and the other is a little small.* A passage in Prokofiev: . . . like two bugs fighting.* Crescendo: . . . like a million devils.* Diminuendo: With expression--not like when you are turning radio down because neighbors complaining.* Sforzando: Four old women in audience must have heart attacks.* Tremolo: Like a hag who has false teeth and she is chewing caramels.* A Brahms variation: . . . like little crawling lousies.* Softly: Whisper like a lady moving in a silk dress." (Mstislav Rostropovich) "If you took everyone who's ever been to a Grateful Dead show, and lined them up, they'd stretch halfway to the moon and back . . . and none of them would be complaining." (anonymous)"It is sobering to consider that when Mozart was my age he had already been dead for a year." (Tom Lehrer)"I only know two tunes. One of them is 'Yankee Doodle' and the other isn't." (Ulysses S. Grant)"You ain't goin' nowhere, son. You ought to go back to drivin' a truck." (Jim Denny, manager of the Grand Ole Opry, firing Elvis Presley after one performance, September 25, 1954)"It will be gone by June." (</span><span class="style5">Variety</span><span class="style1">, on Rock 'n Roll, 1955)"He's that fella we see now and then on television, shakin' and screamin' kinda like somebody's beatin' his dog." (Sheriff Andy Taylor, referring to Elvis Presley, </span><span class="style4">The Andy Griffith Show</span><span class="style1">)"If a horse could sing in a monotone, the horse would sound like Carly Simon, only the horse wouldn't rhyme 'yacht', 'apricot', and 'gavotte'. " (Robert Christgau, reviewing </span><span class="style4">You're So Vain </span><span class="style1">, 1972)"Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune." (Walter Learned, </span><span class="style5">Consolation</span><span class="style1">)"Most sopranos sound as if they live on seaweed." (Sir Thomas Beecham) "Mick Jagger has big lips. I saw him suck an egg out of a chicken. He can play a tuba from both ends. This man has got child-bearing lips . . . " (Joan Rivers, </span><span class="style4">London Weekend Television</span><span class="style1">, 1984) "The singer will have to go." (Eric Easton, new manager of the Rolling Stones, assessing Jaggers' value to the group, 1963)"Assassins!" (Arturo Toscanini to his orchestra after a poor performance)"Her singing reminds me of a cart coming downhill with the brakes on." (Sir Thomas Beecham of a soprano in Die Walküre)"Got time to breathe, you got time for music." (Briscoe Darling, </span><span class="style4">The Andy Griffith Show</span><span class="style1">)"Beethoven always sounds to me like the upsetting of bags of nails, with here and there an also-dropped hammer." (John Ruskin on Ludwig Van Beethoven) "A safe kind of high." (Jimi Hendrix) "Any song that begins with the sound of the tide rushing in will only get worse." (Linda Ellerbee)"Even Bach comes down to the basic suck, blow, suck, blow, suck, blow." (mouth organist Larry Adler)"It is folly to believe that, because man has invented the aeroplane, music should sound like a factory turning out Spitfires." (Malcolm Sargent, 1944) "I don't know whether I like it, but it is what I meant." (Ralph Vaughan Williams, of his Fourth Symphony)"I went to a Grateful Dead concert and they played for seven hours. Great song." (Jake Johanson)"If one hears bad music, it's ones' duty to drown it by ones' conversation." (Oscar Wilde, 1891) "The ear disapproves but tolerates certain musical pieces; transfer them into the domain of the nose, and we will be forced to flee." (Jean Cocteau)"It is easier to understand a nation by listening to its music than by learning its language." (anonymous)"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung." (Voltaire)"Music . . . can name the unnamable and communicate the unknowable." (Leonard Bernstein)"Our sweetest songs are those that tell of saddest thought." (P. B. Shelley, </span><span class="style5">To a Skylark</span><span class="style1">)"You don't understand country and western music. It's about the real things in life--murder, train wrecks, amputations, faucets leaking in the night--stuff like that." (Dolly Parton)"I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws." (Charles Baudelaire on composer Richard Wagner)"Music sweeps by me like a messenger carrying a message that is not for me." (George Elliot)"What can you do with it? It's like a lot of yaks jumping about." (Sir Thomas Beecham on Beethoven's seventh symphony)"Humphrey Searles writes music that sounds like the theme from Star Wars played backwards through a washing machine." (Clive James, </span><span class="style5">The Sorry Serpent</span><span class="style1">)"During the playing of Rossini's 'William Tell' overture at the Albert Hall an American lady said, 'Back home this is known as 'The Lone Ranger.' " (Peterborough, </span><span class="style5">Daily Telegraph</span><span class="style1">, 13 July 1979)". . . Bestial cries are heard: neighing horses, the squeal of a brass pig, crying jackasses, amorous quacks of a monstrous toad . . . This excruciating medley of brutal sounds is subordinated to a barely perceptible rhythm. Listening to this screaming music for a minute or two, one conjures up an orchestra of madmen, sexual maniacs, led by a man-stallion beating time with an enormous phallus." (Maxim Gorky on Wagner)"After I die, I shall return to earth as the doorkeeper of a bordello and I won't let a one of you in." (Arturo Toscanini to his orchestra during a difficult rehearsal)Toscanini, displeased with the singing of a soprano during a rehearsal, grabbed her by the breasts and screamed, "If only these were brains!""Madame, there you sit with that magnificent instrument between your legs, and all you can do is scratch it!" (Arturo Toscanini rebuking an incompetent female cellist)</span></text>
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<text><span class="style1">"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." (Jackie Mason)"If you want to know what the Lord God thinks of money, you have only to look at those to whom he gives it." (Maurice Baring, 1958) "A penny earned is ridiculous." (anonymous) "Money is human happiness in the abstract: he, then, who is no longer capable of enjoying human happiness in the concrete devotes himself utterly to money." (Schopenhauer)"The real measure of our wealth is how much we'd be worth if we lost all our money." (John Henry Jowett)"The world seldom asks how a man acquired his money. The only question is, has he got it?" (unknown)"Money costs too much." (Ross McDonald, 1969)"I started out with nothing. I still have most of it." (Michael Davis)"Just about the time you think you can make both ends meet, somebody moves the ends." (Pansy Penner, </span><span class="style5">Readers Digest</span><span class="style1">)"Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long." (Groucho Marx)"The great rule is not to talk about money with people who have much more or less than you." (Katherine Whitehorn)"Money doesn't buy happiness. It buys great hookers--but not happiness." (Burt Reynolds) "Trust in your money and down you go! Trust in God and flourish as a tree." (Proverbs 11:28, </span><span class="style5">The Living Bible</span><span class="style1">)"A billion here, a billion there--pretty soon it all adds up to real money." (Sen. Everett Dirkson)"Behind every great fortune there is a crime." (Honore de Balzac)"The world runs on money. Everybody walks around with this invisible number in their heads. You hit the figure close enough, the penny drops. You own the man." (Ray, </span><span class="style5">Stingray</span><span class="style1"> TV series)"Money is the root of all evil--and a man needs roots." (unknown)"While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position." (unknown)"The darkest hour in any man's life is when he sits down to plan how to get money without earning it." (Horace Greeley) "I'm not broke, but I am badly bent." (anonymous) "Spend not, where you may save; spare not, where you must spend." (unknown)"Money isn't everything; usually it isn't even enough." (anonymous)"Money is a sixth sense without which you cannot make a complete use of the other five." (Somerset Maugham) "As a general rule, nobody has money who ought to have it." (Benjamin Disraeli)"A joint checking account is never overdrawn by the wife. It is just under-deposited by her husband." (anonymous)"I feel I'm closest to Hell when I'm thinking about money." (Pharoah Sanders)"All right, so I like spending money! But name one other extravagance!" (Max Kauffmann)"Money is always there, but the pockets change." (Gertrude Stein)"If someone says, 'It's not the money, it's the principle,' you can be sure it's the money." (anonymous)"When you see a situation you don't understand, look for the financial interest." (anonymous)"Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure." (Errol Flynn)"Wealth is not the fruit of labour but the result of organized, protected robbery." (Frantz Fanon)"Nine times out of ten money will do the trick required at the moment." (John Wain, </span><span class="style5">Punch</span><span class="style1">, 28 Sept. 1960)"It's better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money." (P. J. O'Rourke, </span><span class="style5">Modern Manners</span><span class="style1">)"The instinct of acquisitiveness has more perverts, I believe, than the instinct of sex. At any rate people seem to be odder about money than about even their amours." (Aldous Huxley, </span><span class="style5">Point Counter Point</span><span class="style1">, 1934)</span></text>
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<text><span class="style1">"Marriage. The beginning and the end are wonderful. But the middle part is hell." (Enid Bagnold, 1964) "Marriage is not a word but a sentence." (unknown)"If I had to do it all over again, I'd marry a Japanese girl. They're pretty, graceful, obedient--and your mother-in-law's in Yokohama." (George Burns)"Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window. You may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house." (Jean Kerr, </span><span class="style5">The Snake Has All The Lines</span><span class="style1">, 1960)"I'd be crazy to propose to her, but when I see that profile of hers I feel the only thing worth doing in the world is to grab her and start shouting for the clergymen and bridesmaids to come running." (P.G. Wodehouse, 1966)"Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution." (Mae West)"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing." (anonymous)"Marriage has teeth, and him bite very hot." (Jamaican proverb)</span><span class="style5">Archie Bunker</span><span class="style1">: "Did you ever think of takin' a shot at me, Edith?"</span><span class="style5">Edith</span><span class="style1">: "No."</span><span class="style5">Archie</span><span class="style1">: "That's good. And I never wanted to shoot you neither. It's nice when people get along together. Right, Edith?" (</span><span class="style4">All in the Family </span><span class="style1">)"Women, deceived by men, want to marry them! It is a kind of revenge as good as any other." (Beaumanoir)"If I ever marry it will be on a sudden impulse, as a man shoots himself." (H.L. Mencken)"We do not squabble, fight or have rows. We collect grudges. We're in an arms race, storing up warheads for the domestic Armageddon." (Hugh Leonard, </span><span class="style5">Time Was</span><span class="style1">, 1976)"It was so cold I almost got married." (Shirley Winters)"Fortune, talent, health--he had everything; but he was married." (C.G. Gleyre)"Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer exactly to his taste he should at once throw over his job and go to work in the brewery." (George J. Nathan)"To a bachelor a wedding ring is just a tourniquet. It stops circulation." (anonymous)"A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg; you can shoot the horse, but that don't fix the leg." (Granny Clampitt)"The bonds of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them--sometimes three." (Alexandre Dumas)"Marriage is a result of the longing for the deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise-lounge." (Mrs. Patrick Campbell, quoted by Ralph G. Martin)"You cannot weld cake-dough to cast iron, nor a girl to an old man." (unknown)"Marriage may often be a stormy lake, but celibacy is almost always a muddy horse-pond." (T.L. Peacock)"Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended." (Zsa Zsa Gabor)"If married life was supposed to be fun, it wouldn't begin in a church." (Bruce Lansky)"A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted." (Helen Rowland)"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." (Phyllis Diller)"He that loseth his wife and a farthing hath a great loss of a farthing." (unknown)"Try praising your wife, even if it does frighten her at first." (Billy Sunday)"What God hath joined together no man shall ever put asunder; God will take care of that." (G.B. Shaw)"It (marriage) is like a cage; one sees birds outside desperate to get in, and those inside desperate to get out." (Montaigne, </span><span class="style5">Essays</span><span class="style1">)"Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage." (George Gibbs)</span><span class="style5">Julie</span><span class="style1">: "Roseanne, listen to this: 'Utah housewife Stabs Husband 37 Times.' "</span><span class="style5">Roseanne</span><span class="style1">: "I admire her restraint." (</span><span class="style4">Roseanne</span><span class="style1"> TV series)"I can't mate in captivity." (Gloria Steinem on why she hasn't married)"I married you for better or worse--when's it gonna start getting better?" (Helen Roper, </span><span class="style4">Three's Company</span><span class="style1">)"Are you married, or happy?" (Curly, </span><span class="style4">The Three Stooges</span><span class="style1">)"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." (George Burns)"Why can't somebody invent something for us to marry besides women?" (Fred Flintstone)"The fundamental trouble with marriage is that it shakes a man's confidence in himself, and so greatly diminishes his general competence and effectiveness. His habit of mind becomes that of a commander who has lost a decisive and calamitous battle. He never quite trusts himself thereafter." (H.L. Mencken, </span><span class="style5">Prejudices</span><span class="style1">)"Let there be spaces in your togetherness." (Kahlil Gibran, </span><span class="style5">The Prophet</span><span class="style1">)"Marriage is the price men pay for sex, and sex is the price women pay for marriage." (anonymous)"When a woman gets married, it's like jumping into a hole in the ice in the middle of winter: you do it once and you remember it the rest of your days." (Maxim Gorky, </span><span class="style5">The Lower Depths</span><span class="style1">)"When a man brings his wife flowers for no reason--there's a reason." (Molly McGee)"Tie yourself up with some chick and pretty soon she's gonna be making you eat with a knife and fork." (Juan Epstein, </span><span class="style4">Welcome Back, Kotter </span><span class="style1">)</span><span class="style5">Claire Huxtable</span><span class="style1">: "If I died, would you marry me again?"</span><span class="style5">Cliff Huxtable</span><span class="style1">: "We'll talk about it when it happens." (</span><span class="style4">The Cosby Show </span><span class="style1">)"A lewd bachelor makes a jealous husband." (anonymous)"In marriage, being the right person is as important as finding the right person." (Wilbert Gough)"Why is it nobody ever asks a man how he can manage marriage and a full-time career?" (unknown)"When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do they part." (George Bernard Shaw)"Where there's marriage without love, there will be love without marriage." (Ben Franklin)"Do I remember when I first met your mother, you ask? Ah, as if I could ever forget. A beautiful June night, a garden party, a full moon, Japanese lanterns glimmering softly in the trees, a Strauss waltz playing. Then to make the evening complete, this sublime creature appeared--no wait a minute, that was the night I met Alice Fletcher. Let me see, where did I first meet your mother?" (Father to child, cartoon caption, </span><span class="style5">Saturday Evening Post</span><span class="style1">, Feb. 1950) </span></text>
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card_19299.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"Not only is what he says untrue, but even the opposite of what he says is untrue." (Shmuel Avidor Ha-Cohen)"I was brought up in a clergyman's household so I am a first-class liar." (Dame Sybil Thorndike) "A little innacuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation." (H. H. Munro, </span><span class="style5">The Square Egg</span><span class="style1">, 1924)"A lie can be halfway round the world before the truth has got its boots on." (James Callaghan, </span><span class="style5">The Times</span><span class="style1">, 1976)"A lie goes by the Marconi route, while Truth goes by slow freight and is often ditched at the first water tank." (Elbert Hubbard, </span><span class="style5">Epigrams</span><span class="style1">, 1915)"It is hard to believe that a man is telling the truth when you know that you would lie if you were in his place." (H. L. Mencken) "No one lies so boldly as the man who is indignant." (Nietzsche)"The liars' punishment is not in the least that he is not believed, but that he cannot believe anyone else." (G. B. Shaw)"Never to lie is to have no lock to your door." (Elizabeth Bowen, </span><span class="style5">The House in Paris</span><span class="style1">, 1935)"Many people don't actually lie; they merely present the truth in such a way that nobody recognizes it." (anonymous)"A lie that hurts nobody is not as bad as the truth, which could put me in the slammer." (Kate Foster, </span><span class="style5">Double Trouble</span><span class="style1">)</span></text>
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<name>Liars</name>
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card_4862.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"Loneliness is being unaware of the One who is with us everywhere." (anonymous)"It is unpleasant to go alone, even to be drowned." (Russian proverb)"Inside myself is a place where I live all alone, and that's where you renew your springs that never dry up." (Pearl Buck)"Loneliness and the feeling of being unwanted are the most terrible poverty." (Mother Teresa of Calcutta)"Loneliness and solitude are quite different. One is defeat-- the other, victory." (anonymous)"Every man who is truly a man must learn to be alone in the midst of all the others, and if need be, against all the others." (Romain Rolland)"Loneliness is only an opportunity to cut adrift and find yourself." (Anna Monroe) "What a commentary on our civilization, when being alone is considered suspect; when one has to apologize for it, make excuses, hide the fact that one practices it--like a secret vice!" (Anne Morrow Lindbergh, </span><span class="style5">Gift From the Sea</span><span class="style1">)"Loneliness is the first thing which God's eye named not good." (John Milton)"Men love because they are afraid of themselves, afraid of the loneliness that lives in them, and need someone in whom they can lose themselves as smoke loses itself in the sky." (V. F. Calverton)"Pray that your loneliness may spur you into finding something to live for, great enough to die for." (Dag Hammarskjöld, </span><span class="style5">Diaries</span><span class="style1">)"Solitude: to go to the window and look at the stars." (R. W. Emerson)</span></text>
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card_14275.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"Most people have come to recognize the law as the deadly enemy of justice." (David Cort) "Laws are inherited like diseases." (Goëthe)"I have come to regard the Law Courts not as a cathedral, but as a casino." (Richard Ingrams, </span><span class="style5">The Guardian</span><span class="style1">, 30 July 1977)"The law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich as well as the poor to sleep under bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread." (Anatole France, </span><span class="style5">Crainquebille</span><span class="style1">) "Law is but a heathen word for power." (Daniel Defoe)"English law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law. This is the limit of useless legislation." (unknown)"The embodiment of the moral sentiments of the people." (William Blackstone)"If we were in Scotland, we could bring it in Not Proven. That's Not Guilty, but don't do it again." (Winifred Duke)"Law and Order is like patriotism--anyone who comes on strong about patriotism has got something to hide; it never fails. They always turn out to be a crook or an asshole or something." (Bill Mauldin)"Technicalities are the 'safety zones' from justice." (unknown)"Screw the law--you get the guy off any way you can." (William Kunstler)"Never steal anything so small that you'll have to go to an unpleasant city jail for it instead of a minimum-security federal tennis prison." (P J. O'Rourke, </span><span class="style5">Modern Manners</span><span class="style1">)"May you have a lawsuit in which you know you are in the right." (Gypsy curse)"Go to law for a sheep and lose your cow." (German proverb) "The portion of a law usually found unconstitutional is the teeth." (unknown)"Do not waste time looking up the law in advance, because you can find some Federal district court that will sustain any proposition you make." (Sam Ervin)"It is easier to make certain things legal than to make them legitimate." (Chamfort)"People say law but they mean wealth." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)"Laws are like spiders' webs: If some poor weak creature comes up against them, it is caught; but a big one can break through and get away." (Solon, quoted by Diogenes Laertius)"If a city wants to keep law and order, it's got to kick people around." (Wally Cleaver, </span><span class="style4">Leave It to Beaver </span><span class="style1">)"Law is like a sieve; it is very easy to see through it, but a man must be considerably reduced before he can get through it." (Samuel George Morton)"The law isn't justice. It's a very imperfect mechanism. If you press exactly the right buttons and are also lucky, justice may also turn up in the answer." (Raymond Chandler)"When the court doesn't know, it consults precedent. The court that made the precedent guessed at it. Yesterday's guess, grown gray and wearing a big wig, becomes today's justice." (Frank Crane)"An adroit mixture of customs that are beneficial to society, and would be followed even if no law existed." (Pëtr A. Kropotkin) "A formless mass of isolated decisions." (Morris Cohen) "The plaintiff and the defendant in an action are like two men ducking their heads in a bucket, and daring each other to remain longest under water." (Samuel Johnson)"An unjust law is itself a species of violence. Arrest for its breach is more so." (Mahatma Gandhi)"The law is a bright light which blinds all reasonable men." (graffiti on various law school bathroom walls)"Anyone who takes it upon himself, on his own authority, to break a bad law, thereby authorizes everyone else to break the good ones." (Denis Diderot, 1796)"Force first made conquest, and that conquest was then made into law." (adapted from Alexander Pope)"Something which must have a moral basis, so that there is an inner compelling force for every citizen to obey." (Chaim Weizmann)"I think we may class the lawyer in the natural history of monsters." (John Keats)"I do not care to speak ill of any man behind his back, but I believe the gentleman is an attorney." (Samuel Johnson)"If the laws could speak for themselves, they would complain of the lawyers in the first place." (Halifax)"A lawyer's dream of heaven--every man reclaimed his property at the Resurrection, and each tried to recover it from all his forefathers." (Samuel Butler II)"I'm not an ambulance chaser. I'm usually there before the ambulance." (Melvin Belli)"Whatever their other contributions to our society, lawyers could be an important source of protein." (cartoon caption) "Lawyers, I suppose, were children once." (Lamb) "A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats." (Benjamin Franklin)"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers." (William Shakespeare)"The greater part of my official time is spent on investigating collisions between propelled vehicles, each on its own side of the road, each sounding its horn, and each stationary." (an English Chief Lord Justice)"By law's dark by-ways he has stored his mind with wicked knowledge on how to cheat mankind." (adapted from George Crabbe) "It is better to be a mouse in a cats' mouth than a man in a lawyers' hands." (Spanish proverb)"Why is there always a secret singing When a lawyer cashes in? Why does a hearse horse snicker Hauling a lawyer away?" (Carl Sandburg)"Talent whips truth every time." (Judge Don B. Morgan)"Painters and lawyers can soon change white to black." (Japanese saying)"Law is the rampart that keeps barbarism from rolling across America like a deluge. It is the positive force of reason, custom and sanity which keeps our volatile, often overheated society from exploding." (Editorial, </span><span class="style5">Indianapolis Star</span><span class="style1">)"Go not in and out of the court of justice, that thy name may not stink." (The Wisdom of Anii)"A man may as well open an oyster without a knife as a lawyer's mouth without a fee." (Barton Holyday)"The lawyer has a professional obligation to place obstacles in the path of truth." (Monroe Freedman)"Our colleagues in medicine at least use cadavers for their practice efforts. We cut our teeth on real live clients." (F. Lee Bailey) "You get a reasonable doubt for a reasonable price." (criminal attorneys' saying)"My motto while driving in traffic is: If a cop didn't see it, I didn't do it." (Wes Wright)"Lawyers get you outta the kind of trouble you'd never get in if there was no lawyers." (anonymous)</span></text>
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<name>Law</name>
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card_19496.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news." (Bertolt Brecht)"She had a penetrating sort of laugh. Rather like a train going through a tunnel." (P. G. Wodehouse, </span><span class="style5">The Inimitable Jeeves</span><span class="style1">, 1923)"Instant vacation." (Robert Zwickey)"An orgasm triggered by the intercourse of reason and unreason." (anonymous)"The bark of delight of a gregarious animal at the proximity of his kind." (Wyndham Lewis)"Laughter : the sun that drives winter from the human face." (unknown)"Laughter brightens the eye, increases the perspiration, expands the chest, forces the poisoned air from the least-used cells, and tends to restore that exquisite poise or balance which we call health." (O. S. Marsden)"Laughter is the mind's intonation. There are ways of laughing which have the sound of counterfeit coins." (Edmond de Goncourt) "If I did not laugh, I should die." (Abraham Lincoln)"The most valuable sense of humor is the kind that enables a person to see instantly what it isn't safe to laugh at." (anonymous) "A maid that laughs is half taken" (English proverb)"Laughter is the sensation of feeling good all over, and showing it principally in one spot." (Josh Billings, 1919) </span></text>
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<name>Laughter</name>
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card_3454.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"The kiss originated when the first male reptile licked the first female reptile, implying in a subtle, complimentary way that she was as succulent as the small reptile he had for dinner the night before." (F. Scott Fitzgerald)"Kissing a girl is like opening a bottle of olives--if you get one, the rest comes easy." (anonymous) ". . . the anatomical juxtaposition of two orbicularis oris muscles in a state of contraction." (Dr. Henry Gibbons)"I kissed my first woman and smoked my first cigarette on the same day; I have never had time for tobacco since." (Arturo Toscanini) "Kissin' don't last; cookery do!" (George Meredith)"A kiss can be a comma, a question mark or an exclamation point. That's basic spelling that every woman ought to know." (Mistinguette) "As for promiscuous kissing, what decent girl wants to resemble a piece of rock salt licked by all kinds and conditions of passing cattle?" (S. Parkes Cadman)"I wasn't kissing her! I was whispering in her mouth." (Chico Marx, to his wife, on being seen kissing a chorus girl)"A genuine kiss generates so much heat it destroys germs." (Dr. S.L. Katzoff, </span><span class="style5">The American Mercury</span><span class="style1">, April 1940) "The British medical journal the Lancet advises against social kissing because it spreads multitudes of noisome germs. At a wedding, for example, kissing the bride exposes you to germs deposited on her cheek by the guests before you. But if you must buss the bride, Lancet advises: 'Either make sure you are near the front of the queue or, before applying the lips, wipe the bride's cheeks gently with a diluted solution of hypochlorite (an antiseptic).' ""Some women blush when kissed, some call for the police, some swear, some bite. But the worst are those who laugh." (anonymous)</span></text>
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card_9335.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"The first thing kindness deserves is acceptance; the second, transmission." (George Macdonald)"When kindness has left people, even for a few moments, we become afraid of them as if their reason has left them." (Willa Cather, </span><span class="style5">My Mortal Enemy</span><span class="style1">, 1926) "Be kind. Remember: everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." (T. H. Thompson)"Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in." (Evan Davis)"Caring is everything; nothing matters but caring." (Last words of Baron Friedrich Von Hugel)"You cannot touch your neighbor's heart with anything less than your own." (anonymous)"Two would actually do it--two magic words that could replace all the religions in the world--two wonderful words that embrace all the powers and all of the energy we need to survive with each other and with our planet and with all the world's living creatures--don't hurt." (Roger Caras)"Let us treat the men and women well; treat them as if they were real; perhaps they are." (Michel de Montaigne)"One can pay back the loan of gold, but one dies forever in debt to those who are kind." (Malayan proverb)"There are people who take the heart out of you, and there are people who put it back." (Elizabeth David)"To smile at the jest which plants a thorn in another's breast is to become a principal in the mischief." (Sheridan) </span></text>
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card_5486.xml
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<text><span class="style1"> "The wickedness of the world is so great that you have to run your legs off to avoid having them stolen from under you." (Bertolt Brecht)"Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else." (unknown)"Why do some people scoop from your sea and boast of their rivulet?" (Kahlil Gibran)"The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success." (Wayne R. Bartz)"If we had a keen vision and feeling of all ordinary life, it would be like hearing the grass grow and the squirrel's heart beat, and we should die of that roar which lies on the other side of silence." (George Eliot)" 'Know thyself'? If I knew myself, I'd run away." (Goëthe) "Men are very queer animals--a mixture of horse-nervousness, ass-stubbornness and camel-malice." (T. H. Huxley) "What matters today is not the difference between those who believe and those who do not believe, but the difference between those who care and those who don't." (Abbe Pire)"Our scientific power has outrun our spiritual power. We have guided missiles and misguided men." (Martin Luther King, </span><span class="style5">Strength to Love</span><span class="style1">, 1963) "Some of us change, some of us mutate." (Joyce Davenport, </span><span class="style4">Hill Street Blues</span><span class="style1">)"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars." (Oscar Wilde, </span><span class="style5">Lady Windemere's Fan</span><span class="style1">)"Humanity, let us say, is like people packed in an automobile which is travelling downhill without lights at terrific speed and driven by a small four-year-old child. The signposts along the way are all marked 'Progress'. " (Lord Dunsany, Irish writer)"He who looks upon us through the eyes of God will see our naked and essential reality." (Kahlil Gibran)"I seen temptation coming, but it seen me coming, too." (Otis Campbell, </span><span class="style4">The Andy Griffith Show</span><span class="style1">)"I have always despised Adam because he had to be tempted by the woman, as she was by the serpent, before he could be induced to pluck the apple from the tree of knowledge. I should have swallowed every apple on the tree the moment the owner's back was turned." (G. B. Shaw)"Can you walk on water? You have done no better than a straw. Can you fly in the air? You have done no better than a bluebottle. Conquer your heart; then you may become somebody." (Ansari of Herat)"When people agree with me I always feel that I must be wrong." (Oscar Wilde, </span><span class="style5">The Critic as An Artist</span><span class="style1">)"When you deal with your brother, be pleasant, but get a witness." (Hesiod, 8th century B.C.)"Man thrives where angels die of ecstasy and pigs die of disgust. The contemporary situation is like a long-standing, fatal disease. It is impossible to recall what life was like without it. We seem always to have had cancer of the heart." (Kenneth Rexnoth)"No one remains quite what he was when he recognizes himself." (Thomas Mann)"Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth." (Alan Watts)"You get the impression that our normal condition is silence and that speech is a slight fever which attacks us now and then." (Jean-Paul Sartre, </span><span class="style5">Nausea</span><span class="style1">) "Which one of us listens to the hymn of the brook when the tempest speaks?" (Kahlil Gibran)"There are many things we would throw away, if we were not afraid that others might pick them up." (Oscar Wilde)"Man is an exception, whatever else he is. If it is not true that a divine being fell to Earth, then we can only say that one of the animals went entirely off its head." (G. K. Chesterton)"There is no fire like passion, there is no shark like hatred, there is no snare like folly, there is no torrent like greed." (Buddha) "Man is a sun; and the senses are his planets." (Novalis) "This whole striving for brotherhood is somehow in the very nature of things. Once you affirm it, you're in the stream of existence." (Robert C. Pollock)"We're all part of the human race, but racing faster won't make us more human." (anonymous)"I believe that our Heavenly Father invented man because he was disappointed in the monkey." (Mark Twain)"We are all of us more or less echoes, repeating involuntarily the virtues, the defects, the movements, and the characters of those among whom we live." (Joseph Joubert)"The tragedy of our time is that we are so eye-centered, so appearance-besotted." (Jessamyn West)"Get along, says our DNA, talk to each other, figure out the world, be useful, and above all keep an eye out for affection." (Lewis Thomas, M.D.)"Everybody wants to be somebody: nobody wants to grow." (Goëthe)"It's like the whole world has a little thing; it's being taught that when you get up in the morning, you have to go out and bring somebody down. You walk down the street and, unless you've brought somebody down, don't come home today, right?" (Bob Dylan)"Some people spend money for things they don't need to impress people they don't like." (anonymous)"I have never seen a greater monster or miracle than myself." (Montaigne)"I'm a tuning fork, tense and twanging all the time." (Edna O'Brien)"I've always thought the power of any country is the sum of the total of its individuals. Each individual rich with ideas, with concepts, rich with his own revolution." (Ray Bradbury)"He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance." (unknown)"A man always has two reasons for doing anything--a good reason and the real reason." (J.P. Morgan)"How awful to reflect that what people say of us is true." (L. P. Smith, </span><span class="style5">Afterthoughts</span><span class="style1">)"There are persons who always find a hair in their bowl of soup for the simple reason that, when they sit down before it, they shake their heads until one falls in." (Friedrich Hebbel)"Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it." (anonymous)"On the heights it is warmer than those in the valley imagine." (Nietzsche)"The nature of men and women--their essential nature--is so vile and despicable that if you were to portray a person as he really is, no one would believe you." (Somerset Maugham)"Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself." (anonymous) "The real difference between men is not sanity or insanity, but more or less insanity." (unknown)"The white man's real burden is a lot of other white men." (unknown)"With one man, resignation stores up treasure in heaven; with another man, it does but store up explosives in the heart." (Francis Herbert Bradley)"Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she had laid an asteroid." (Mark Twain, </span><span class="style5">Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar</span><span class="style1">)"Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get another chance later on." (unknown)"Solitude is essential to man. All men come into this world alone; all leave it alone." (Thomas De Quincey, </span><span class="style5">Confessions of an Opium Eater</span><span class="style1">)"The devil is an optimist if he thinks he can make people meaner." (Karl Kraus)"There are minds that resemble those convex or concave mirrors, which represent objects just as they receive them, but which never receive them as they really are." (Joseph Joubert)"Few men during their lifetimes come anywhere near exhausting the resources dwelling within them. There are deep wells of strength that are never used." (Richard E. Byrd)"Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask and he will tell the truth." (Oscar Wilde)"Don't be yourself--be what you ought to be." (Croft M. Penz)"I never speak without error, for my thoughts come from the world of abstraction, and my statements come from the world of reference." (Kahlil Gibran)"Except during the nine months before he draws his first breath, no man manages his affairs as well as a tree does." (George Bernard Shaw) "Live dirt." (Josh Billings) "The dearer the thing is, the cheaper as a general rule we sell it." (Samuel Butler II)"Send a fool to close the shutters and he'll close them all over town." (Yiddish proverb)"Every luxury must be paid for, and everything is a luxury, starting with being in the world." (Cesare Pavese) "The world is made up of people who never quite get into the first team and who just miss the prizes at the flower show." (Jacob Bronowski, </span><span class="style5">The Face of Violence</span><span class="style1">)"Every man likes the smell of his own farts." (Icelandic proverb)"I think we're all bugs and mice, and are only different expressions of an all-inclusive cheese." (anonymous)"A chance deposit on the surface of the world, carelessly thrown up between two ice ages by the same forces that rust iron and ripen corn." (Carl L. Becker)"Man is ice to truth and fire to falsehood." (Jean de Fontaine) "The belief in a supernatural source of evil is not necessary; men alone are quite capable of every wickedness." (Joseph Conrad, 1911) "We boil at different degrees." (Ralph Waldo Emerson)"There may be an optimum level of intelligence and perhaps we have already exceeded it. Our brains may be too big--dooming us as Tricerotops was doomed by his armour." (Arthur C. Clarke, </span><span class="style5">The Lost Worlds of 2001</span><span class="style1">) "There is no man so good, who, were he to submit all his thoughts and actions to the laws, would not deserve hanging ten times in his life." (Montaigne, </span><span class="style5">Essays</span><span class="style1">, 1580)"All of us have wonders hidden in our breasts, only needing circumstances to evoke them." (Charles Dickens)"More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly." (Woody Allen, 1981)"Man is nature's sole mistake." (W. S. Gilbert, 1884) "The earth has skin, and that skin has diseases. One of those diseases is called man." (Nietzsche) "Human being: an ingenious assembly of portable plumbing." (Christopher Morley)"Man is a rope connecting animal and superman--a rope over a precipice . . . What is great in man is that he is a bridge and not a goal." (Nietzsche, </span><span class="style5">Thus Spake Zarathustra</span><span class="style1">)"Man originates in muck, wades a while in muck, makes muck, and in the end returns to muck." (Johann Christoph von Schiller, 1781) "We know what we are, but know not what we may be." (William Shakespeare, </span><span class="style5">Hamlet</span><span class="style1">)"A very popular error--having the courage of one's convictions: rather it is a matter of having the courage for an attack upon one's convictions." (Nietzsche)"Believing is one thing, doing another. Many talk like the sea but their lives are stagnant marshes. Others raise their heads above the mountain tops, while their souls cling to the dark walls of caves." (Kahlil Gibran)"Man is a good thing spoiled." (Augustine of Hippo) "Nothing so much prevents our being natural as the desire to seem so." (La Rochefoucauld)"One's own self is well hidden from one's own self: of all mines of treasure, one's own is the last to be dug up." (Nietzsche) "Anything allowed to stand at a public bar." (Elbert Hubbard) "We feel free when we escape--even if it be from the frying pan into the fire." (Eric Hoffer)"When a man say him do not mind, then him mind." (Negro proverb)"My philosophy of life, Mildred, is that nothing in life is worth doing unless it can be accomplished with a short cut." (Remington Steele, </span><span class="style4">Remington Steele </span><span class="style1"> TV series)"A man's worst difficulties begin when he is able to do as he likes." (T.H. Huxley)"A man must swallow a toad every morning if he wishes to be sure of finding nothing still more disgusting before the day is over." (S. R. N. Chamfort)"A mouse . . . running in and out of every hole in the cosmos hunting for the Absolute Cheese." (Benjamin de Casseres)"There are only two kinds of men--the dead and the deadly." (Helen Rowland)"Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else's opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation." (Oscar Wilde, </span><span class="style5">De Profundis</span><span class="style1">, 1905)"By asking for the impossible we obtain the best possible." (Italian proverb)"The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well." (Joe Ancis) "I confess that I cannot understand how we can plot, lie, cheat, and commit murder abroad and remain humane, honorable, trustworthy, and trusted at home." (Archibald Cox)"I am a member of the rabble in good standing." (Westbrook Pegler)"In relation to each other men are like irregular verbs in different languages; nearly all verbs are slightly irregular." (Søren Kierkegaard) "To fly from, need not be to hate mankind." (Byron) "I've been mixing with humanity today and feel the less humane in consequence." (Seneca)"You must either be a hammer or an anvil." (Number 6, </span><span class="style4">The Prisoner </span><span class="style1"> TV series)"If you haven't got anything nice to say about somebody, come sit next to me." (Alice Roosevelt Longworth)"The tremors of people shaken by the storm of life makes them appear alive. But in reality they have been dead since the day of their birth; and they lie unburied and the stench of decay rises from their bodies." (Kahlil Gibran)"Because he was born in fear and lives as a coward, man hides in the crevices of the earth when he sees the tempest coming." (Kahlil Gibran)"He was so mean! If you cut him open you'd find your grandma!" (Jim Rockford, </span><span class="style5">The Rockford Files</span><span class="style1">)"If you're ever in my neck of the woods, drop by and use my pool--I'd love to give you drowning lessons." (unknown) "It seems my soul is like a filthy pond, wherein fish die soon, and frogs live long." (Thomas Fuller)"I would tell a man who was drinking too much 'Be a man,' but I would not tell a crocodile who was eating too many explorers, 'Be a crocodile.'" (G. K. Chesterton)"Ours is an excessively conscious age. We know so much, we feel so little." (D. H. Lawrence)"You are the light of the world, but the switch must be turned on." (Austin A. Lewis) "Some people are like a person with a mouth full of hot coffee: whatever they do will be wrong." (anonymous)"Too much of the world is run on the theory that you don't need road manners if you drive a five-ton truck." (Roseanne Barr) "The People: little dogs biting one another." (Marcus Aurelius) "Men are usually transmitting when they should be receiving." (anonymous)"Without the aid of prejudice and custom, I should not be able to find my way across the room." (William Hazlitt)"He has nothing. He looks everything. What more can one desire?" (Oscar Wilde, </span><span class="style5">The Importance of Being Earnest</span><span class="style1">)"The man who invented the eraser had the human race pretty well sized up." (unknown)"It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake." (Oscar Wilde, 1892)"If you do not raise your eyes, you will think that you are the highest point." (Antonio Porchia, </span><span class="style5">Voces</span><span class="style1">, 1943)"Each has his own past shut in him like the leaves of a book known to him by heart and his friends can only read the title." (Virginia Woolfe, </span><span class="style5">Jacob's Room</span><span class="style1">)"Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something." (Clifton Fadiman, </span><span class="style5">Enter, Conversing</span><span class="style1">)"I do not want to die . . . until I have faithfully made the most of my talent and cultivated the seed that was placed in me until the last small twig has grown." (Kathe Kollwitz, </span><span class="style5">Diaries and Letters</span><span class="style1">) "To have his path made clear for him is the aspiration of every human being in our beclouded and tempestuous existence." (Joseph Conrad, </span><span class="style5">The Mirror of the Sea</span><span class="style1">, 1906)"Nobody knows the age of the human race, but all agree that it is old enough to know better." (Washington Irving)"A man does what he has to do--if he can't get out of it." (Pappy Maverick, </span><span class="style4">Maverick</span><span class="style1"> tv series)"I hold that there is every variety of natural capacity, from the idiot to Newton and Shakespeare; the mass of mankind, midway between these extremes, being blockheads of different degrees: education leaving them pretty nearly as it found them, with this single difference, that it gives a fixed direction to their stupidity, a sort of incurable wry-neck to the thing they call understanding. So one nose points always east, another always west, and each is ready to swear that it points due north." (Peacock)"The Six Mistakes of Man--(1) The delusion that personal gain is made by crushing others. (2) The tendency to worry about things that cannot be changed or corrected.(3) Insisting that a thing is impossible because we cannot accomplish it.(4) Refusing to set aside trivial preferences.(5) Neglecting development and refinement of the mind, and not acquiring the habit of reading and study.(6) Attempting to compel other persons to believe and live as we do." (Cicero, Roman philosopher)"When indifferent, the eye takes photographs; when interested, movies." (Malcom de Chazal)"People are very odd creatures: one half censure what they practice, the other half practice what they censure." (Benjamin Franklin)"You see, I always divide people into two groups. Those who live by what they know to be a lie, and those who live by what they believe, falsely, to be the truth." (Christopher Hampton, </span><span class="style5">The Philanthropist</span><span class="style1">)"There are mysteries within the soul which no hypothesis can uncover and no guess can reveal." (Kahlil Gibran)"The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and science." (Albert Einstein, </span><span class="style5">What I Believe</span><span class="style1">, 1934)"The tendency of the casual mind is to pick out or stumble upon a sample which supports or defines its prejudices, and then to make it representative of a whole class." (D. H. Lawrence, </span><span class="style5">Fantasia of the Unconscious</span><span class="style1">, 1922)"We don't know what we want but we are ready to bite somebody to get it." (Will Rogers) "It is going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth after they inherit it." (Kin Hubbard,1915)"The meek shall inherit the earth--if that's all right with you." (London graffito)"Among the people there are killers who have not yet shed blood, and thieves who have stolen nothing, and liars who have so far told the truth." (Kahlil Gibran)"I live by Louis Pasteur's advice that 'Chance favors the prepared mind,' and my own, 'The two most common elements in the known universe are hydrogen and stupidity.' " (Harlan Ellison)</span></text>
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card_12229.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding a sickness you like." (Jackie Mason)"Be true to your teeth or your teeth will be false to you." (dental proverb)"He complained about his ribs and told him (the doctor) that they seemed to be giving him claustrophobia." (N. F. Simpson, </span><span class="style5">The Hole</span><span class="style1">) "I have Bright's disease and he has mine." (S. J. Perelman)"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't like, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not." (Mark Twain)"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die." (unknown)"If you eat only three-quarters full, you won't need a doctor." (Japanese saying)"Don't smoke too much, drink to much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave--but there's no reason to be in the passing lane." (Robert Orben)"In the world of ulcers, Unger, you're what's known as a carrier." (Dr. Gordon, </span><span class="style4">The Odd Couple </span><span class="style1">)"Indigestion is charged by God with enforcing morality on the stomach." (Victor Hugo)"If you want to clean your system out, sit on a piece of cheese and swallow a mouse." (Johnny Carson)"Asses to asses butts to butts if the AIDS don't get ya the hem'roids must." (anonymous)"I done hurt my back, so I can't lift nothin' heavier than a miniskirt." (anonymous)"Why is it that teeth rot? You don't have to go to the doctor to get holes in your arm stopped up. I tell ya, it's a flaw in the design." (anonymous)</span></text>
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card_11875.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"Happiness is bumping into Raquel Welch . . . very slowly." (</span><span class="style4">Laugh-In</span><span class="style1">, 1969)"Happy is the man with a wife to tell him what to do and a secretary to do it." (Lord Mancroft)"When you jump for joy, beware that no one moves the ground from beneath your feet." (Stanislaw Lec)"When one is in red-hot pursuit of a dollar with a reasonable prospect of overtaking it." (Josh Billings)"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved." (Victor Hugo)"The purpose of life is not to be happy--but to matter, to be productive, to be useful, to have it make some difference that you have lived at all." (Leo Rosten)"You can't live on amusement. It is the froth on water, an inch deep, and then the mud!" (George Macdonald)"Happiness, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another." (Ambrose Bierce)"If you haven't all the things you want, be grateful for the things you don't have that you didn't want." (unknown)"The key to contentment is to realize that life is a gift--not a right." (anonymous)"To see that heaven lies about us here in this world." (John Burroughs)"We must select the illusion which appeals to our temperment and embrace it with passion, if we want to be happy." (Cyril Connolly)"The happiest part of a man's life is what he passes while lying awake in bed in the morning." (Dr. Johnson)"Happiness: having a scratch for every itch." (anonymous)"To fill the hour, and leave no crevice for a repentence or an approval." (Ralph Waldo Emerson) "The happiest people I have known are those consumed with desire to radiate happiness, to live unselfishly, to do everything within their power to help others. Selfishness scuttles happiness." (B. C. Forbes) "Since few large pleasures are lent us on a long lease, it is wise to cultivate a large undergrowth of small pleasures." (Mary A. Livermore) "Happiness can't buy money." (Groucho Marx)"Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life." (Mark Twain, </span><span class="style5">Notebook</span><span class="style1">)"You are forgiven for your happiness and your success only if you generously consent to share them." (Albert Camus, </span><span class="style5">The Fall</span><span class="style1">, 1956)"Ask yourself whether you are happy, and you cease to be so." (John Stuart Mill, </span><span class="style5">Autobiography</span><span class="style1">) "The man who thoroughly enjoys what he reads or does, or even what he says, or simply what he dreams or imagines, profits to the full. The man who seeks to profit, through one form of discipline or another, deceives himself." (Henry Miller, </span><span class="style5">The Books in my Life</span><span class="style1">, 1952)"Happiness sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open." (John Barrymore)"There is no way to happiness; happiness </span><span class="style5">is</span><span class="style1"> the way." (Dr. Wayne Dyer)"Talk happiness. The world is sad enough Without your woe. No path is wholly rough."(Ella Wheeler Wilcox)"Happiness is really found in giving and in serving others." (Henry Drummond)"For perfect happiness, remember two things: (1) Be happy with what you've got; (2) Be sure you've got plenty." (anonymous)</span></text>
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card_38554.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"If the government was as afraid of disturbing the consumer as it is of disturbing business, this would be some democracy." (Kin Hubbard)" 'The voice of the people' is very much in need of a megaphone." (unknown)"One of the things we have to be thankful for is that we do not get as much government as we pay for." (attributed to Charles Kettering)"One thing is inevitable: if government continues to fall down the people will rise up." (unknown)"The only good government is a bad one in a hell of a fright." (Joyce Cary, </span><span class="style5">The Horse's Mouth</span><span class="style1">, 1944)"Men who write minutes, who make professional assessments, who are never attacked face to face, who dwell in the Sargasso Sea of the Civil Service and who love the seaweed that conceals them." (William Connor)"The world is disgracefully managed; one hardly knows to whom to complain." (Ronald Firbank)"You can fool too many people too much of the time." (James Thurber)"I would almost say that my country is like a conquered province with foreign rulers, except that they are not foreigners and we are responsible for what they do." (Paul Goodman)"A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves." (Bertrand de Jouvenel)"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts." (Will Rogers)"Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxis and cutting hair." (George Burns)"A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough to take it all away." (Barry Goldwater, speech, 1964)</span></text>
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card_5915.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"A perfect gentleman is one who can drive a very small car with two girls in the front seat and change gears without getting his face slapped." (anonymous)"Gentlemen do not throw wine at ladies. They pour it over them." (Auberon Waugh, </span><span class="style5">Spectator</span><span class="style1">, 1983)"A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present." (anonymous)"A gentleman is one who never hurts anyone's feelings unintentionally." (Oliver Herford)"A gentleman is one who, when he invites a girl up to show her his etchings, shows her his etchings." (anonymous)"This is the final test of a gentleman: his respect for those who can be of no possible service to him." (William Lyon Helps)"A gentleman is simply a patient wolf." (Lana Turner)"One's duty as a gentleman should never interfere with one's pleasure in the slightest degree." (Oscar Wilde)"A gentleman blames himself, while a common man blames others." (Confucius)"A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn't." (unknown)"A gentleman is one who never strikes a woman without provocation." (H. L. Mencken)"It's a gentleman's first duty to remember in the morning who it was he took to bed with him." (Dorothy L. Sayers)</span></text>
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card_2411.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"The future is much like the present, only longer." (Don Quisenberry)"The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected." (Swedish proverb) "To kill a man will be considered as disgusting in the twentieth century as we in this day consider it disgusting to eat one." (Andrew Carnegie, American industrialist and humanitarian, 1900)"Those who foresee the future and recognize it as tragic are often seized by a madness which forces them to commit the very acts which make it certain that what they dread shall happen." (Dame Rebecca West, Irish author)"Most of your future lies ahead." (Denny Crum to his basketball team)"The world is dark even half an inch ahead." (Japanese saying)"The way to look ahead is to look back. When you take a squint along the gun barrel of the past, you don't feel so bad about the future." (Homer Croy)"Perhaps the best thing about the future is that it only comes one day at a time." (Dean Acheson)"It seems pretty clear that no civilized people will ever again permit its government to enter into a competitive armament race." (Nicholas Murray Butler, President of Columbia University, quoted in the </span><span class="style5">Literary Digest</span><span class="style1">, October 17, 1914)"So here is the Great Society. It's the time--and it's going to be soon--when nobody in this country is poor." (Lyndon B. Johnson, 1965)"We seem to have a compulsion these days to bury time capsules in order to give those people living in the next century or so some idea of what we are like. I have prepared one of my own. In it, I have placed some rather large samples of dynamite, gunpowder, and nitroglycerin. My time capsule is set to go off in the year 3000. It will show them what we are really like." (Alfred Hitchcock)"The future smells of Russian leather, blood, godlessness, and many whippings. I should advise our grandchildren to be born with very thick skins on their backs." (Heinrich Heine)"In 2013, the world will look like this: * The United States will be led by a ball-point pen, referred to as Mr. Scribble. * The French will have the universal right to walk up to anyone they want and tell them to do anything they want them to. Their first move will be to establish cheese as the universal currency. * Trains will all run on time, but they will be invisible. * You will be able to buy briefcases in six-packs. * The Soviet Union, after the Purge of 2005, will be run by clowns and giant insects. Mr. Scribble will not like them one bit." (</span><span class="style5">Nat'l Lampoon</span><span class="style1">, 1984)"The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it." (Will Rogers)"Time and space--time to be alone, space to move about-- these may well be the greatest scarcities of tomorrow." (Edwin Way Teale, </span><span class="style5">Autumn Across America</span><span class="style1">)"50 years hence . . . we shall escape the absurdity of growing a whole chicken in order to eat the breast or wing, by growing these parts separately under a suitable medium." (Winston Churchill, </span><span class="style5">50 Years Hence, Popular Mechanics</span><span class="style1">,1932)"Future, n.-- that period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured." (Ambrose Bierce, </span><span class="style5">The Devil's Dictionary</span><span class="style1">, 1911)"A single breaker may recede; but the tide is eventually coming in." (Macauley)"If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stomping on a human face -- forever . . ." (George Orwell)</span></text>
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card_10488.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"Fools rush in where angels fear to tread." (Alexander Pope, </span><span class="style5">Essay on Criticism</span><span class="style1">)"Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage." (Publilius Syrus)"Fools rush in where fools rushed in before." (unknown)"The fool though he be associated with a wise man all his life will perceive the truth as little as a spoon tastes the soup." (Buddha)</span></text>
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card_6263.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside." (Mark Twain)"I was standing at a bar the other day and there was a fellow eating olives on a string. Eating olives on a string! I said, 'Why are you eating them like that ?' He said, 'I may not like 'em.' " (Max Miller)"Spiders are relatively high in protein, but they tickle." (Kehlog Albran) "Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing." (James Thurber)"Some breakfast food manufacturers hit upon the simple notion of emptying the leavings of carthorse nosebags, adding a few other things like unconsumed portions of chicken layers' mash, and the sweepings of racing stables, packing the mixture in little bags and selling them in health food shops." (Frank Muir, </span><span class="style5">Oh, My Word</span><span class="style1">)"The discovery of a new dish does more for human happiness than the discovery of a new star." (Brillat-Savarin)"You are where you eat." (unknown) "Did you ever play, 'Let's see if this is edible'?" (Larry, </span><span class="style4">Newhart</span><span class="style1"> tv series)"The food was so abominable that I used to cross myself before I took a mouthful. I used to say, 'Ian, it tastes like armpits.' " (Noel Coward, of Ian Fleming's hospitality)"Waiter, I found this in my food. It's a cockroach." "Listen. With paella, ingredients vary from place to place." (Malcolm Gluck, </span><span class="style5">Punch Magazine, A Portrait of New York</span><span class="style1">, 18 August 1976)"A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who looks at her watch." (food critic James Beard)"Appetite: the best sauce." (French proverb)"I always watch what I eat. I'm afraid of something getting away." (unknown)"Eating is touch carried to the bitter end." (Samuel Butler II)"Is there any other part of the matzo you can eat?" (Marilyn Monroe, when served matzo ball soup three times in a row)"</span><span class="style5">Chinese Food</span><span class="style1">: You do not sew with a fork, and I see no reason why you should eat with knitting needles.</span><span class="style5">Clams</span><span class="style1">: I simply cannot imagine why anyone would eat something slimy served in an ashtray.</span><span class="style5">Lobsters</span><span class="style1">: Although these are delicious, getting them out of their shells involves giving them quite a brutal going-over. The way I look at it, they never did anything to me (although they are quite nasty-looking, and I do not like the way they stare at you from those fish tanks when you come into the restaurant--it is quite rude). On the other hand, if they serve you just the good parts already removed from the shell, that is quite a different matter, since the element of personal participation in the massacre is eliminated.</span><span class="style5">Snails</span><span class="style1">: I find this a somewhat disturbing dish, but the sauce is divine. What I do is order escargots, and tell them to 'hold' the snails." (Miss Piggy, </span><span class="style5">Miss Piggy's Guide to Life</span><span class="style1">, 1981)"Coffee: Break fluid." (R. R. Anderson) "The first thing I remember liking that liked me back was food." (Rhoda Morgenstern, </span><span class="style5">Rhoda</span><span class="style1">)"My new receptionist had to be rushed to a detox center this morning. You see, today is my turn to make the coffee and she drank some--straight." (anonymous) "Large, naked, raw carrots are acceptable as food only to those who live in hutches eagerly awaiting Easter." (Fran Lebowitz) "I will not eat oysters. They're alive when you eat them. I want my food dead--not sick, not wounded --dead." (Woody Allen, 1966) "An oyster is a fish built like a nut." (anonymous)"I want nothing to do with natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get." (George Burns)"In Texas we have a word for sushi: bait." (heard by Wes Wright)"You put your left index finger on your eye and your right index finger on the Camembert . . . If they sort of feel the same, the cheese is ready." (M. Taittinger)"If I want seaweed and raw fish I'll go lie down on the tideline with my mouth open." (Teresa Nielson Haydon about sushi)"Celery has negative calories--it takes more calories to eat a piece of celery than the celery has in it to begin with." (anonymous) "You first parents of the human race. . . who ruined yourself for an apple, what might you not have done for a truffled turkey?" (Brillat-Savarin)"She ate so many clams that her stomach rose and fell with the tide." (Louis Kronenberger, </span><span class="style5">The Cutting Edge</span><span class="style1">)"Fish, to taste right, must swim three times--in water, in butter, and in wine." (Polish proverb)" 'Turbot, sir,' said the waiter, placing before me two fish bones and two eyeballs on a bit of wet mackintosh." (Thomas Earle Welby, </span><span class="style5">The Dinner Knell</span><span class="style1">)"What vegetable would your husband most like to sit on?" (Bob Eubanks, </span><span class="style5">The Newlywed Game</span><span class="style1">)"Three dollars is the point at which hamburgers get just about as good as they're going to get." (Nat'l Lampoon) </span></text>
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card_4356.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"Being perfectly well-dressed gives one a feeling of tranquility that religion is powerless to bestow." (Ralph Waldo Emerson) "I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch." (Gilda Radner)"Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months." (Oscar Wilde)"There's something neat about a sweater with a hole. It makes you look like a tough guy." (Beaver Cleaver)"If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much-- just an occasional sun visor." (Groucho Marx)"A fad is an epidemic of taste, constantly changing, and success is its kiss of death." (Joan Kron, </span><span class="style5">New York Times</span><span class="style1">)"Just around the corner in every woman's mind--is a lovely dress, a wonderful suit, or entire costume which will make an enchanting new creature of her." (Wihela Cushman)"Style is knowing who you are, what you want to say, and not giving a damn." (Gore Vidal)"What would we say if men changed the length of their trousers every year?" (Lady Astor)</span></text>
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card_5663.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"My father was a Creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my family, it seems, begins where yours left off." (Alexander Dumas Pere)"No woman can shake off her mother. There should be no mothers, only women." (G. B. Shaw)"An ounce of mother is worth a pound of priest." (Spanish proverb)"Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before." (anonymous)"Once an angry man dragged his father along the ground through his own orchard. 'Stop!' cried the groaning old man at last, 'Stop! I did not drag my own father beyond this tree.' " (Gertrude Stein)"Parents: people who use the rhythm method of birth control." (anonymous)"You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth." (Kahlil Gibran, </span><span class="style5">The Prophet</span><span class="style1">, 1923)"Parents are the bones on which children sharpen their teeth." (Peter Ustinov, </span><span class="style5">Dear Me</span><span class="style1">, 1977)"The parent who could see his boy as he really is would shake his head and say 'Willie is no good. I'll sell him.' " (Stephen Leacock, </span><span class="style5">Literary Lapses</span><span class="style1">, 1910) "The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." (Calvin Triffin)"One reason you are stricken when your parents die is that the audience you've been aiming at all your life--shocking it, pleasing it--has suddenly left the theatre." (Katherine Whitehorn)"A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after." (Peter De Vries)"It is a poor family that hath neither a whore nor a thief in it." (unknown)"Relatives are simply a tedious pack of people who haven't got the remotest knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die." (Oscar Wilde, 1895)"My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle." (Henny Youngman)"Don't allow no weirdos on the phone unless it's family." (Mama Harper, </span><span class="style4">Mama's Family</span><span class="style1"> TV series)"I tell you, Jeeves, behind every poor, innocent, harmless blighter who is going down for the third time in the soup, you will find, if you look carefully enough, the aunt who shoved him into it. It is no use telling me there are good aunts and bad aunts. At the core, they are all alike. Sooner or later, out plops the cloven hoof." (P. G. Wodehouse, 1938)"However much you dislike your mother-in-law you must not set fire to her." (Ernest Wild, London judge, to a culprit before him, 1925)"Mussolini in knickers." (Les Dawson on his mother-in-law)"He is a delightful, kindly, friendly, simple man, and one would know him for a great man anywhere. At the moment, he was extremely excited and overjoyed because his mother-in-law had just died.and he was looking forward to the funeral. . . ." (Edith Sitwell in a letter to Cecil Beaton, after meeting Pablo Picasso)"Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law." (Hubert Humphrey, speech, 1964)Sigmund Freud on his future mother-in-law: "I can foresee more than one opportunity of making myself disagreeable to her, and I don't mean to avoid them.""If you're gonna steal, steal from kin--at least they're less likely to put the law on you." (Bret Maverick, </span><span class="style4">Maverick </span><span class="style1">)"Many a fellow who looks like the dominant male and has himself photographed smoking a pipe curls up like carbon paper when confronted by an aunt." (P. G. Wodehouse, </span><span class="style5">The Mating Season</span><span class="style1">, 1949)"He who has no fools, knaves, or beggars in his family, was begot by a flash of lightning." (unknown)"The hardest thing to do is to disguise your feelings when you put a lot of relatives on a plane for home." (unknown)</span></text>
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<text>FAMILY</text>
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card_8257.xml
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<text><span class="style1"> "Marijuana . . . makes you sensitive. Courtesy has a great deal to do with being sensitive. Unfortunately, marijuana makes you the kind of sensitive where you insist on everyone listening to the drum solo in Iron Butterfly's 'In-A-Gadda- Da-Vida' fifty or sixty times at 78 rpm, and that's quite rude." (P.J. O'Rourke, </span><span class="style5">Modern Manners</span><span class="style1">, 1983)"Says a former activist: 'Once marijuana was a sociopolitical and philosophical gesture. Now it just means spending hours in my room by myself looking for objects I keep misplacing.' " (Marcelle Clements, 1982)"I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota." (Fran Lebowitz)"Is marijuana addictive? Yes in the sense that most of the really pleasant things in life are worth endlessly repeating." (Richard Neville, </span><span class="style5">Playpower</span><span class="style1">)"You should be able to enter that drugged world without the drug. Because to make an effort and enter this world makes you stronger, to enter it by means of a drug makes you weaker." (Anäis Nin)“I used to do drugs. I got so wrecked one night, I waited for a stop sign to change--and it did.” (Steve Krabitz)"Now they're calling taking drugs an epidemic--that's 'cos white folks are doing it." (Richard Pryor)"We have allowed death to change its name from Southern rope to Northern dope. Too many black youths have been victimized by pushing dope into their veins instead of hope into their brains." (Jesse Jackson)"Pot is like a gang of Mexican bandits in your brain. They wait for your thoughts to come down the road, then tie them up and trash them." (Kevin Rooney, </span><span class="style5">GQ</span><span class="style1"> magazine, 1984)"Honest officer, had I known my health stood in jeopardy, I would never have lit one." (maxim of the Hell's Angels)"Drugs are marvelous if you want to escape, but reality is so rich, why escape?" (Geraldine Chaplin)"Shocking crimes of violence are increasing . . . Alarmed Federal and State authorities attribute much of this violence to the 'killer drug.' That's what experts call marihuana . . . Those addicted to marihuana, after an early feeling of exhilaration, soon lose all restraints, all inhibitions. They become bestial demoniacs, filled with the mad lust to kill." (Kenneth Clark, Universal News Service article, 1936)"I'm not on drugs. I </span><span class="style4">am</span><span class="style1"> drugs." (Salvador Dali) "Drugs are the atomic bomb of the Third World." (Carlos Lehder, jailed Colombian billionaire drug baron)</span></text>
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card_7159.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"I have such poor vision I can date anybody." (Gary Shandling)"Early to bed, early to rise, and your girl goes out with other guys." (Bob Collins, </span><span class="style5">Love That Bob</span><span class="style1"> tv series)". . . men generally pay for all expenses on a date . . . Either sex, however, may bring a little gift, its value to be determined by the bizarreness of the sexual request to be made later that evening." (P.J. O'Rourke, </span><span class="style5">Modern Manners</span><span class="style1">, 1983)"I'm glad you don't recognize me. I'd rather have you like me for myself." (anonymous)"Stop looking at the opposite sex as the enemy." (Abby Hirsch)"It's so relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I'm an idiot." (Warren Thomas)"You can meet a lot of nice plankton in here, but I'm looking to date something a little higher up on the food chain." (Larraine Newman, </span><span class="style4">Saturday Night Live </span><span class="style1">)"I think she's really interested in me. She asked if I've had a vasectomy." (overheard in a singles bar, quoted in </span><span class="style5">New Woman</span><span class="style1"> magazine)</span></text>
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card_21756.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." (Isaac Asimov) "What the hell is it good for?" (Robert Lloyd, engineer at IBM, commenting on the invention of the microprocessor, c. 1968)"Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up." (James Magary)"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home." (Ken Olson, President of Digital Equipment Corporation, 1977)</span><span class="style5">Doonesbury:</span><span class="style1"> "Excuse me, sir. Do you have any user-friendly sales reps?</span><span class="style5">Store Manager:</span><span class="style1"> You mean, consumer-compatible liveware? No, he's off today.""I think there is a world market for about five computers." (Thomas J. Watson, chairman of the board of IBM, 1943)</span></text>
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<name>Computers</name>
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card_7964.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"One cannot weep for the entire world. It is beyond human strength. One must choose." (Jean Anouilh)"The just is close to the people's hearts, but the merciful is close to the heart of God." (Kahlil Gibran)"What matters today is not the difference between those who believe and those who do not believe, but the difference between those who care and those who don't." (Abbe Pire) "When a man has pity on all living creatures, then only is he noble." (Buddha)"Mercy does not always express itself by withholding punishment." (Ernest M. Ligon)"There will be no mercy to those who have shown no mercy." (James 2:13, </span><span class="style4">The Living Bible </span><span class="style1">)"My piece of bread only belongs to me when I know that everyone else has a share, and that no one starves while I eat." (Leo Tolstoy)"The least pain in our little finger gives us more concern and uneasiness than the destruction of millions of our fellow beings." (William Hazlitt)"Let no one underestimate the need for pity. We live in a stony universe where hard, brilliant forces rage fiercely." (Theodore Dreisler)</span></text>
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card_6795.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"I drink no more than a sponge." (Rabelais)"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That'll teach you to keep your mouth shut." (Ernest Hemingway)"Taverns are places where madness is sold by the bottle." (Jonathan Swift)"A wonderful drink, wine . . . did you ever hear of a barefooted Italian grape crusher with athlete's foot?" (W.C. Fields)"I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver." (Phil Harris)"I feel sorry for people who don't drink, becasue when they get up in the morning, they're not going to feel better all day." (Frank Sinatra)"Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat." (Alex Levine) "Alcohol kills the living and preserves the dead." (unknown) "My uncle was the town drunk--and we lived in Chicago." (George Goebel)"Wine is an unreliable emissary: I sent it down to my stomach, and it went up to my head!" (Judah Al-Harizi)"What is said when drunk has been thought out beforehand." (Flemish proverb)"I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since the invention of the funnel." (Malachy McCourt)"The Spanish wine, my God, it is foul; cat piss is champagne compared; this is the sulphurous urination of some aged horse." (D. H. Lawrence, 1929) "They talk about my drinking, but never my thirst." (Scottish proverb)"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do." ( attrib. to Dylan Thomas)"I know a lot more old drunks than old doctors." (Joe E. Lewis) "I hate to advocate alcohol, drugs, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me." (Hunter S. Thompson)"The rapturous, wild, and ineffable pleasure of drinking at someone else's expense." (Henry Sambrooke Leigh, </span><span class="style5">Stanzas To An Intoxicated Fly</span><span class="style1">)"Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you just take the girl's clothes off." (Raymond Chandler) "When the martini beckons, No seconds." (John Steinbeck)"Once during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water." (W. C. Fields)"Actually, it takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth." (George Burns)"Those bottled windy drinks that laugh in a man's face and then cut his throat." (Thomas Adams)"A woman drove me to drink and you know, I never even had the courtesy to thank her." (W. C. Fields)"For a bad hangover, take the juice of two quarts of whiskey." (Eddie Condon)"Philip Toynbee had an unfortunate disposition to collapse under drink as though a sniper had picked him off." (Jessica Mitford, </span><span class="style5">The Face of Philip</span><span class="style1">, 1984)"Come quickly, I am tasting stars!" (Dom Perignon upon discovering champagne)"Why don't you move closer to the wall--that's plastered already!" (anonymous)"I am certain that the good Lord never intended grapes to be made into jelly." (Fiorello La Guardia)"If the whiskey holds out and you're not under indictment, you can have fun anywhere." (W. C. Fields)"You know you've had too much to drink when you hear someone quacking and it's you!" (Granny Clampitt)"You got her drunk, you take her home." (Dave Wilson)"One drink is plenty; Two drinks is too many, And three drinks is not nearly enough." (W. Knox Haynes)"Better belly burst than good liquor be lost." (Jonathan Swift)"I was drinking not too much, not for pleasure, just sipping my drink systematically like low-grade hemlock." (William McIlvanney) "I drink to forget I drink." (Joe E. Lewis) "Never refuse wine. It is an odd but universally held opinion that anyone who doesn't drink must be an alcoholic." (P. J. O'Rourke, </span><span class="style5">Modern Manners</span><span class="style1">)"The effect of drinking a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster is like having your brains smashed in by a slice of lemon wrapped round a large gold brick." (Douglas Adams) "He was driving drunk--as if he were tacking a sail boat." (Raymond Chandler)"I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved." (George Goebel)"First you take a drink, the the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you." (F. Scott Fitzgerald)"I always keep a stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy." (W. C. Fields)"There will not be any violations to speak of." (Colonel Daniel Porter, Agent-in-charge of enforcement of the Volstead Act, Jan. 16, 1920)"Bootlegging is in a desperate plight; the death rattle has begun." (Roy M. Haynes, U.S. Prohibition Commissioner, </span><span class="style5">New York Times</span><span class="style1">, August 26, 1923)"One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I'm having a good time." (Nancy Astor)"The country couldn't run without Prohibition. That is the industrial fact." (Henry Ford, 1929) "I make it a point never to consume anything that's been aged in a radiator." (Maj. Winchester, </span><span class="style4">M*A*S*H </span><span class="style1">)"I distrust camels and anyone else who can go a week without a drink." (Joe E. Lewis)"He pushed himself off the bar counter as if it were a jetty." (William MacIlvanney)</span><span class="style5">Sgt. Joe Friday</span><span class="style1"> (to drunk woman): "Don't you think you've had enough of that?"</span><span class="style5">Woman:</span><span class="style1"> "</span><span class="style5">Is</span><span class="style1"> there enough?" (</span><span class="style4">Dragnet </span><span class="style1">)"The advantages of whiskey over dogs are legion. Whiskey does not need to be periodically wormed, it does not need to be fed, it never requires a special kennel, it has no toenails to be clipped or coat to be brushed . . . Whiskey sits quietly in its special nook until you want it. True, whisky has a nasty habit of running out, but then so does a dog." (W. C. Fields) "I like a wine that fights back." (John Steed, </span><span class="style5">The Avengers</span><span class="style1">) "I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me." (Winston Churchill)"After I got drunk last night, I slept like a log. I woke up with my head in the fireplace." (Groucho Marx)</span></text>
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<name>Alcohol</name>
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card_4287.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket." (George Orwell)"From any cross-section of ads, the general advertiser's attitude would seem to be: if you are a lousy, smelly, idle, underprivileged and oversexed status-seeking neurotic moron, give me your money." (Kenneth Bromfield, </span><span class="style5">Advertiser's Weekly</span><span class="style1">, 1962) "Advertising executive: yessir, nossir, ulcer." (anonymous) "He (John Snagge) had been against commercial broadcasting ever since he heard a Toscanini radio concert in New York interrupted by the sponsor's slogan, 'It may be December outside, ladies; but it's always August under your armpits.' " (</span><span class="style5">Evening Standard</span><span class="style1">, 13 Nov. 1947)"Advertising is the modern substitute for argument; its function is to make the worse appear the better." (Santayana)"Advertising: something which makes one think he's longed all his life for a thing he's never even heard of before." (anonymous) "Advertising is legal lying." (H.G. Wells) "Let advertisers spend the same amount of money improving their product that they do on advertising and they wouldn't have to advertise it." (Will Rogers)"It isn't advertising </span><span class="style4">anything</span><span class="style1">, damn it." (A father to a small boy looking at a rainbow, cartoon caption, </span><span class="style5">New Yorker Magazine</span><span class="style1">)"We grew up founding our dreams on the infinite promise of American advertising. I still believe that one can learn to play the piano by mail and that mud will give you a perfect complexion." (Zelda Fitzgerald, </span><span class="style5">Save Me The Waltz</span><span class="style1">)"America cannot be sold a can of beer without being offered a piece of pussy with it." (Julius Lester)"The art of publicity is a black art." (Judge Learned Hand, U.S. Supreme Court)"Doing business without advertising is like winking at a girl in the dark: you know what you're doing, but nobody else does." (Edgar Watson Howe)"Living in an age of advertisement, we are perpetually disillusioned. The perfect life is spread before us every day but it changes and withers at a touch." (J. B. Priestley, </span><span class="style5">All About Ourselves</span><span class="style1"></span></text>
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<id>16</id>
<text>ADVERTISING</text>
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<name>Advertising</name>
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card_3842.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"How narrow is the line which separates an adventure from an ordeal." (Harold Nicholson, </span><span class="style5">Small Talk</span><span class="style1">) "Adventure is not outside a man; it is within." (David Grayson)"Anything,everything, little or big, becomes an adventure when the right person shares it. Nothing, nothing, </span><span class="style5">nothing</span><span class="style1"> is worthwhile when we have to do it alone." (Katherine Norris)</span></text>
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<name>Adventure</name>
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card_3656.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"Absence makes the heart go yonder." (unknown)"Next to the pleasure of making a new mistress is that of being rid of an old one." (Wycherley, </span><span class="style5">The Country Wife</span><span class="style1">)"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." (Jackie Mason)"Here's to our wives and sweethearts--may they never meet." (John Bunny)"A man does not look under a bed unless he himself has been under one." (French proverb)"Ninety percent of all Christians practice polygamy--only they don't call it that." (unknown Mormon) "A Code Of Honor: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal. There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's </span><span class="style5">really</span><span class="style1"> attractive." (Bruce Jay Friedman, </span><span class="style5">Esquire Magazine</span><span class="style1">, 1977)"The plural of spouse is spice." (anonymous)"Adultery is the application of democracy to love." (H.L. Mencken, </span><span class="style5">Sententiae</span><span class="style1">, 1920)</span></text>
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<name>Adultery</name>
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card_3009.xml
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<text><span class="style1">"Positive anything is better than negative nothing." (Elbert Hubbard)"Never mistake motion for action." (Ernest Hemingway)"We are called to be thermostats instead of thermometers, affecting our environment, not reflecting it." (Charles R. Hembree) "Rest is for the dead." (Thomas Carlyle)"One does evil enough when one does nothing good." (German proverb) "We would often be ashamed of our finest actions if the world understood all the motives which produced them." (La Rochefoucauld) "Action is the only true test of ability." (anonymous)"Never retreat. Never explain. Get it done and let them howl." (Benjamin Jowett) ". . . the world can only be grasped by action, not by contemplation. The hand is more important than the eye . . . The hand is the cutting edge of the mind." (Jacob Bronowski, </span><span class="style5">The Ascent of Man</span><span class="style1">, 1973)"It is better to wear out one's shoes than one's sheets." (Genoese proverb)"Trying all things; achieving what you can." (Herman Melville)"Between the great things that we cannot do and the small things we will not do, the danger is that we shall do nothing." (Adolph Monod) "Action is the proper fruit of knowledge." (Thomas Fuller) "You can listen to what everybody says, but the fact remains that you've got to get out there and do the thing yourself." (Joan Sutherland)"Things don't turn up in this world unless somebody turns them up." (James A. Garfield)"The princes among us are those who forget themselves and serve mankind." (Woodrow Wilson)"If I rest, I rust." (Martin Luther)"You've been a busy bugger, haven't you?" (King George V, to Capt. Billy Bishop VC, air ace of WWI)"Nothing is ever done until men are prepared to kill one another if it is not done." (George Bernard Shaw, </span><span class="style5">Major Barbara</span><span class="style1">)"Give sail to ability." (Japanese proverb)"Just do it." (Nike shoe ad)"Nobody makes a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little." (Edmund Burke)"Take time to deliberate, but when the time for action has arrived, stop thinking and go in." (Napoleon Bonaparte) "A man of action, forced into a state of thought, is unhappy until he can get out of it." (Galsworthy)</span></text>
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<name>Action</name>
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card_21448.xml
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<text>Bet you're wondering just what the heck you've spent your time and/or money downloading. Later you'll wonder who's responsible for this mess. Is he currently under psychiatric care? And how can I get my revenge? Let me just say this-- I went to high school and had a gym class with John Hinckley. I loved Jody Foster even MORE than him! So, don't even THINK of coming after me-- I'm always armed. Anyway, for years I've been obsessively and compulsively collecting quotes that my warped sense of humour found funny, nostalgic, tragic, or just plain clever. Enjoy. OR ELSE! (Wes Wright)</text>
 (January 1993).iso/Files/Hyper/Q-R/QuipQuotes.cpt/QuipQuotes/BMAP_7690.png){kind=link}
 (January 1993).iso/Files/Hyper/Q-R/QuipQuotes.cpt/QuipQuotes/PATs.png){kind=link}